Backbiting – speaking ill of someone behind his or her back -- is as common as house dust, and often swept aside as a minor but necessary “evil” stemming from a perceived need to gossip.

But not everyone is comfortable with backbiting. In the Baha'i Faith, backbiting is not only discouraged, it’s forbidden. Baha’u’llah enjoined his followers to “regard backbiting as grievous error, and keep … aloof from its dominion, inasmuch as backbiting quencheth the light of the heart, and extinguisheth the life of the soul.”

And Abdu’l-Baha stressed the spiritual impact of backbiting, saying:

“O beloved of the Lord! If any soul speak ill of an absent one, the only result will clearly be this: he will dampen the zeal of the friends and tend to make them indifferent. For backbiting is divisive, it is the leading cause among the friends of a disposition to withdraw. If any individual should speak ill of one who is absent, it is incumbent on his hearers, in a spiritual and friendly manner, to stop him, and say in effect: would this detraction serve any useful purpose? . . . On the contrary, it would make the dust to settle so thickly on the heart that the ears would hear no more, and the eyes would no longer behold the light of truth.”

You probably know how it feels to be the victim of backbiting, when well-intentioned friends (and perhaps those not so well intentioned) let slip something uncomplimentary about you that someone else has said.

No doubt you’ve been at the dishing end as well. Despite good intentions, it’s easy to slide into a critical mode when someone’s name comes up in conversation. Whether you attribute it to insecurity, jealousy or envy, what makes backbiting so tempting is that “everyone” does it.

So, how to take the high road, the Baha'i road?


Candace Hill Abdu'l Baha recommended turning the conversation around to praise the qualities of others: “If, however, a person setteth about speaking well of another, opening his lips to praise another, he will touch an answering chord in his hearers and they will be stirred up by the breathings of God.”

“One of the best books I’ve read on how to stick to polite topics in a conversation is Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Freshly Updated by Judith Martin,” recommends Candace Hill, a Baha'i from Evanston, Ill.

“Her advice is wonderful and funny, and she insists that courteous language is the only appropriate way to speak in conversation. I’ve used her techniques many times to great effect,” Ms. Hill says. “Proper manners not only help you keep on the safe path, but they also help you guide the manners of others.”


Susan Heintz Susan Heintz, a Baha'i from Naperville, Ill., says the “one and only technique” that works for her is to bring up her own faults in a conversation that’s heading into backbiting territory.

She says she used this strategy when chatting with a co-worker who was complaining about her sister’s weight problem. “’Yeah, I have trouble doing that too,” Ms. Heintz volunteered, “It’s hard to stick with a regular exercise regimen.”

“I’ve also explained to my friend the Baha'i prohibition on backbiting and fault-finding,” Ms. Heintz says, “and asked her to help me to limit this in my conversations. When I catch myself deteriorating into such talk, I remind us both that I am trying not to indulge in this, and we move the conversation to something safer, like the crazy thing our cats did this morning (our standby). This way she knows that it is something we all struggle to eradicate, and we can be merciful and understanding when we slip.”


Michael Carr Another way to handle others’ backbiting is to ask the backbiter if the person he or she is dissing has any good qualities, suggests Michael Carr, a Baha'i in Aurora, Ill.

“If you happen to know the person being talked about, bring up a good quality to the backbiter to offset the bad,” he says.

In either case, Mr. Carr says, you can offer to pray for the backbiter and the target of his backbiting. He suggests saying this well-loved prayer written by the Bab, the forerunner of Baha’u’llah: Is there any Remover of difficulties save God? Say: Praised be God! He is God! All are His servants, and all abide by His bidding!

Ms. Heintz suggests a similarly humble approach to backbiting, as reflected in the words of Baha’u’llah:

“If the fire of self overcome you, remember your own faults and not the faults of My creatures, inasmuch as every one of you knoweth his own self better than he knoweth others.”

That ought to grind backbiting to a halt, no matter who “started it.”